I am watching home videos of the boys and Jonathan is 1 1/2 (around Christmas 2005) while Matthew is approx Kaelyn's age-perhaps just a bit younger. It is a riot. It all started when the boys wanted to see themselves on tv tonight, so we obliged and put in some recent footage. After they went to bed, we wanted to see what other tape we had, so we ended up putting one in that had some tape of Jonathan right before Matthew was born and then after. It even had a bit of tape in the hospital w/Matthew. Oh so precious!

Anyway, I am watching these and thinking how much I love being a mom. I really do. I am glad I'm a mom. And how thankful I am for these wonderful, precious children of mine! They are amazing and wonderful and have brought much laughter. I am not saying I don't have tough days, I am sure everybody does. However, it is usually the tough ones that seem hard to remember and the wonderful ones that you just want to remember every moment; it is these days, these moments that seem so fleeting. In watching these, I want to cry. There are so many moments and in some ways I wish I could get them back. Seeing Jonathan at his oh so cute stage w/his many curls, wonderful voice and caring ways just make me want to go pick him up out of his bed, hold him in my arms and just sit there and smile at him...maybe even sing to him: I'll Love you forever, I'll like you for always, as Long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.  I wish I could recall every second of his younger days. We don't have any beginning video on Kaelyn and that is sad for me. I am thankful for the video we do have, but I wish I could hear that newborn cry of hers, the moments she first started to coo, talk, and babble. Most footage we have of her is from this summer through now. I heard that newborn cry of Matthew's and got to see him there w/me and Jonathan in the hospital (I was tandem nursing, so it was even more precious) and it made me miss that sound. I really do love that sound.

All the things about watching this... I mean, it makes me want another one-well, not like I didn't want any more. But, even then, it's just not the same. It's always different w/each and every one. Which, I suppose, is what makes those moments so special. They each have their own way of saying things, their own mannerisms, and their own voice. AAAHHHH... I cannot explain the emotion I feel or all that is in my heart because it is so much. But I do so wish I could remember when I held and saw them for the first time-just what it felt like. I suppose this heart of mine knows, but I just want to hear, touch, see, smell and feel those moments over and over and over again. We recently moved Kaelyn to her own room since that little bed next to mine is now way too little for her long body; and last night, I remarked to Rick how I miss having Kaelyn in our room. I don't  know...I just missed her. In fact, I kind of wanted to get her, bring her into bed and nurse her. She was sound asleep, so I settled for taking Rick with me to check on her, touch her, look at her, and thank God for her and her wonderful, precious life. 

And I suppose it is in the growing that is the hardest part of being a mom-for them and for us. I like the growing too. I like the discovery, the looks of awe and wonder, the expressions of love and the laughter. I like that even though my boys are getting older, they still want to cuddle and snuggle with me. It seems to esp. be one of  Jonathan's favorite things. I also enjoy the conversations Jonathan likes to have and all the endless imagining of which he seems capable. I try to drink in every moment of those times and be sure to pay close attention. After all, if I pay close attention now and want to listen to him now, perhaps he will still enjoy talking and want me to listen when he is 10, 12, 13, etc... I especially try to make a mental note of this in the times when it may seem hardest to tune in. I tell myself I want to tune in and I don't want to miss it. this is the truth. I  want to and need  to hear every word he is saying. Just because he is 3, does not mean it is unimportant or that what somebody else is saying is more worth listening to. HE is important and therefore so is what he has to say. I have been  doing my best to follow this lesson as of late. Yes, I am practicing with Matthew too. Kaelyn takes it all in.

I guess that's all for now. I was trying to remember some funny things that the kids have said over the past couple of days, and I know if I took the time to sit and think, you'd be reading something amusing, but it is late and I am tired. Besides, I did have to get Kaelyn during this entry, so that put me back on time a little bit. I enjoyed snuggling with her. Being a mom is just so wonderful. That's how it feels tonight. I am tired, yes, and it wasn't the smoothest day. But that doesn't make what I do not wonderful. Because all the wonderfulness seems to outweigh the not so wonderfulness. And God truly has been oh so good to us. And He is still good to me.